the clean up set

this has been quite a month.

as the four readers of this blog know. :-)

a few weeks ago a friend of ours gave a talk. he is a surfer and he talked about a clean up set. this is a set of waves that are a bit further out and if you don't keep an eye on them, can come in and clean up the line of surfers. really wipe them out. at the same time, if you are watching carefully and paddle really hard you can get out to the clean up set and catch a really good ride. one that most of the others have missed.

i have thought about this for the past few days and i have thought about the times when i paddled out for the clean up set and what kind of a ride it was. the times i have had to really work with one of my children, or on a part of my marriage, or a certain aspect of my testimony or in a church calling. the end result was very peaceful and satisfying. although the process was sometimes very stressful and daunting i know that the times i haven't paddled out ferociously for the clean up set and got wiped out, i have regretted those choices. i feel like harry and dawn have made an excellent effort and caught the clean up set. they have had a few pretty intense months and they have worked hard to make sure that they caught the wave, and didn't let it wipe them out. i appreciate their example to work hard and to turn a trial into a good learning experience.

-Bonny

Moms and other great women I know!

There has been a lot of focus these past weeks on Harry and Dawn and their excellent, loving care of Baby Jonah. Others have referred to their wonderful family in general, and that is all true. But this one photo made me think of what a great Mom Dawn is. She is truly devoted and dedicated to her children. She tries to anticipate their needs and meet them. She is meticulous about their physical care and grooming. She sits down and plays with them, thus teaching them how to entertain themselves - which they all do really well.

For the last two weeks she was focused pretty much on Jonah's care - as well she should have been. But she was always aware of each of her children and their particular needs. She was quick to help the rest of us know what we could do for them. And she was quick to reassure them and answer all of their questions. The way they are processing everything is reassuring to the rest of us. She and Harry both prepared them well for this experience in their lives.

I know lots of great moms, and I could make a list that would require a new website, but right now I want to let Dawn know that we are so grateful that she is part of our family. The best thing Harry ever did was find Dawn!!

-Barbara

A note to you all

Harry and Dawn asked me to have an obituary printed for Jonah. I got frustrated with the Star News, so ended up going with the LA Times. It was in the Times today - but you can also access it online. You go to LATimes.com and click on obituaries. You can also click on the Guestbook and there is a place to send messages to Harry and Dawn - just in case you were interested.

Meanwhile, life goes on - most of the out of town guests have gone. Marjorie is here for another week or so. Friends and family continue to express their love and concern.

And if we had a little cake, we'd sing Happy Birthday!

(Harry has expressed his desire to post something on the blog - I told him to take his time - any time he's up to it, we'll be glad to read it!)

-Barbara

Jonah

I got home late Thursday from spending the week with my brother, his wife and their 5 children. It will take me a few days to collect my thoughts about my experience, but I will tell you that spending time in their home and with their sweet baby was a privilege. He was only here for 11 days, but I know his impact is already far reaching. You can read more about Jonah's brief journey over at the The Terrill Connection.

-Phoebe

White Doves and Darling Children

At the funeral service today for Jonah, Harry and Dawn had arranged for white doves to be released. The children each had a turn to let one go, and then the others - about 20 of them - were released. They flew off, circled back, and then headed home.

I know the guy makes money doing this. And maybe it seems contrived or commercial to some. But frankly, it was touching to see these lovely pure white birds fly off. When the first one flew off, I thought of Jonah's spirit, flying off to heaven. I know he is already there, residing once again with our Father in Heaven, but it was comforting to think about what all that means.

And I love this photo of these sweet children, who have been through so much, finding a moment of pleasure and fun in the midst of a somewhat solemn occasion.

-Barbara

Good-bye Baby Jonah

Today we said our final good-byes to Baby Jonah. The day dawned gray and overcast - reflective of our mood. But the sun peeked through and gave us just enough light to feel good about the day. The church building was awash with flowers, photos, and food. And friends and family too. The turnout was inspiring - to know that such a small boy, who only stayed for a few days, could touch so many hearts was indeed balm to our sorrowing hearts. Harry was especially touched that so many from his police department came to pay their respects. They were also touched when the nurses from Methodist arrived. These women told me how much they appreciated Dawn and Harry's willingness to share Jonah with them.

Brooke and Amy especially took charge of displays in the foyers and arranging all the lovely flowers that had arrived. They included Ella's quilt and the quilt from the Linus project.The little lamb will be a stand in for Jonah when we take group photos of the grandchildren. And the sweet romper outfit was made by Sue Cornwall. I crocheted the little hat almost as an afterthought. Since he wore it a few times, I'm certainly glad I did! He was wrapped in the afghan I crocheted for him, and I am happy when I think that my love literally surrounded him on his final journey.

The Young Women leaders and girls made this beautiful quilt. It will be a treasure throughout the coming years.

We spent yesterday going through some of the many photos Harry has taken and put them together in frames and collages. It was a labor of love.

When I peeked into the chapel to take photos of the flowers, Ara and her mom were getting in some last-minute practicing. They both did a lovely job and added a special touch to the service. A big thank you to Roseann and Sue for the music - conducting and playing the organ.

Paula and Rebecca sent the plant and the stone which says "In our arms for only a short time. In our hearts forever."

The Relief Society did their usual wonderful job on the luncheon.

Mom, Donna, and Mary as we gathered for the family visitation before the service.

Harry and Dawn greeted friends and family. The flow of guests was steady - a tribute to the love many have for Harry and Dawn and our family.

I kept a lot of extra programs and will try to send them off to those who would like one - they were lovely - a tribute to Harry and Dawn's thoughtful attention to every detail.

Bill and Helen greeting each other.

Jim McKendrick made the lovely walnut casket - it was so tiny - the paintings of the Savior were gifts from Dawn's brother and nephew.

Jim also made the wagon. Harry placed the casket in the wagon, and Isla rode in it too. Eve pulled it into the chapel and Harry and Porter walked behind it. Harry and Dawn followed as they came into the chapel down the south aisle. When the service was over, they went up the north aisle to go out. Someone commented, "I could keep the tears at bay until I saw the wagon!" It was a sweet procession.

Dawn - doing what she does so well - fixing Eve's hair!

It was wonderful to see Erika and Scott, who made special trips to be here. Lest you think that your presence at a funeral goes unnoticed, I am here to say that it is noticed!! And appreciated.

The service itself was beautiful. The opening song featured the Terrill family anthem, "Because I Have Been Given Much," Pres. Cornwall spoke on the plan of happiness. The Primary children sang "I Am A Child of God" and Ara played a flute descant. They also sang "I Feel My Savior's Love." It was sweet when little Scarlett Ciesla ran up to the stand to join in. Harry spoke about the lessons that Jonah had taught their family. We hope to have a transcript of his remarks soon. A trio of Dawn's friends sang the Dixie Chicks song "Lullaby" and it was beautiful. Then Bishop Stevenson gave remarks, and the closing song was "Families Can Be Together Forever." The opening and closing prayers were given by Dawn's older brother Joe and her nephew Travis.

At the graveside, Harry dedicated the grave. His voice was strong and clear - the Lord truly sustained all of us today - and we are so grateful for that tender mercy.

There were also white doves - the children were allowed to release them - they flew off, circled, and then headed to their home in Hacienda Heights. It was a nice touch - and the children loved it.

Harry, Dawn and their children acquitted themselves so well today - Dad and I are so proud of their enduring faith and demeanor - they are a credit to us all. Jonah would have approved, I am sure.

One of the the special nurses from Methodist Hospital.

Heading off to Live Oak.

We were so pleased that Anne and Wayne were in town and were able to attend. Cheryl, Gilbert's daughter, also came.

Marjorie, her sister Annette, and Annette's daughter Katie. So good to see them again.

Rebecca, Marina, and Paula - neighbors and friends - what good neighbors they have been and continue to be.

Heather, Bruce, Bonny, and Frances.

Donna, Isla, Ara, Annika, Ella - I don't think I got all of the children who were present - they were pretty much running around by the time we got back to the church!

Did manage a family shot of Bonny and Bruce's family - and Ember scooted in too!

Harry and Scott - a formidable duo!!

I feel bad that the only shots of Greg and Noah are these - they were busy helping pretty much the whole time!! We were glad to have them there with us!

And I did remember to include myself - here with Miss Isla - who did a great job today - as a not-quite-two-year-old, these last couple of weeks have been a bit of a mystery to her - and she is doing a great job of adapting!! She sat with me at the funeral through most of Pres. Cornwall's talk. Then I took her to the nursery. I went for her again during the closing song, so she could ride in the wagon as we left the chapel. She gets the prize today, in addition to all the Tic Tacs I plied her with!!

I'm sure it will be a while before I sort through the various feelings and emotions that have taken over my life these last weeks. This experience is so new to me - one I didn't think I was prepared for. But I have just gone day to day - sometimes hour to hour even - and the Lord has blessed and sustained me. I have blogged, written in my journal, talked to anyone who would listen - but it's still not quite settled in my mind. Maybe it never will be. I will never be the same person again - what I want to be is the person who can be there to greet Jonah when we are once again reunited!

-Barbara

"The Bustle in a House"

There is a poem by Emily Dickinson that says,

"The bustle in a house
the morning after death
is solemnest of industries
enacted upon Earth -

The sweeping up the heart
and putting love away,
we shall not want to use again
until eternity."

I'm not sure it all applies here, but after Jonah's passing, after our goodbyes, after the arrival of the Hospice nurse, and after the arrival of the representative from Zook, there was a kind of "bustle" as we "put things to right."

Sean and Emily enjoying the show!

The equipment was gathered up, awaiting the Vitas worker who picked them up. Some things were tossed in the trash, some things were gathered up for the memory box, some things were just put back where they belonged.

Whitney, Luke, Emily and KatieThe next day Harry assembled Porter's new desk, and Dawn was busy sorting toys and books and finding new homes for the items that were displaced from the old toy cupboard. I can identify with sorting and cleaning to take your mind off things and to give you a sense of order and control.

Harry William and Uncle Joe!The last few days have been spent making funeral preparations. The service is tomorrow. Many of Dawn's family are here - and what a blessing that is. We have enjoyed visiting, helping with the children, eating - the food keeps coming - that's one part I will really miss!! And for some of us, it's been a time to get to know members of Dawn's family that we've only heard about until now! And to re-acquaint ourselves with the others.

Marjorie, Dawn, Annette, and Julie

Eve had a competition - Harry took her and she felt good about her performance.

Other family members - like Erika and Frances - have arrived.

We aren't really "putting love away" because much love is being expressed, but we are sharing memories of Jonah, and storing up these memories to comfort us in the days ahead. And we are waiting for eternity and planning for being with Jonah once more.

The ever-expressive Miss Isla, letting us know what she thinks!

Once again, our heartfelt thanks to all who are so supportive - every expression of love sustains and uplifts us all.

-Barbara

Saying good-bye to Baby Jonah

The last two weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions and feelings. When baby Jonah's birth was imminent, we were afraid that we might not get to hold him or bless him if he did not live long enough. The anxiety as we waited in the waiting room was gut-wrenching.

But as we walked quickly down the hall to the delivery room, we heard the blessed cries of a newborn - and our elation seemed to know no bounds.

The hours and days following were filled with unanswered - and answered questions. Yes, you can take him home. Yes, you will have Hospice there to assist. Yes, Phoebe, Eliza, and Hannah will be able to come and hold him and kiss him.

But how long will this go on? How many times can he stop breathing before he can't go on? How long will his strong heart keep beating?

The questions are moot at this point. But the wonderful memories - even the sad memories - will always be with us - teaching us, reminding us, encouraging us.

As a parent, it was most difficult for me to see our son and his sweet wife suffer as they lovingly devoted every waking hour - giving up many sleeping hours to do so - to their small son. It was a testimony to the depth of love and devotion that we are able to summon up when called upon to do so.

Little Jonah acquitted himself admirably. He came to earth to achieve a body. He persevered. He endured. And then his mission was completed.

He returned and reported - and went on to his next assignment. His strong, sweet spirit still lingers here though - and we are assured that he knows of that love we could only shower on him for a brief time.

And we will share that love with others as a symbol of our remembering.

Services for Baby Jonah

Funeral services for Jonah Adam Terrill will be held on Monday, October 24th at 11 a.m. at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 532 West Lemon Ave. in Monrovia.

If you would like to join us for this celebration of the life of this special little boy, you are welcome to come.

-Barbara

Jonah Adam

"He took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept again; And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones." 3 Nephi 17

I've been mentally composing this post in my head for a while now and trying to figure out what to say, so here goes. First, a story—I promise it's related.

The summer after my freshman year of college, I moved back to Monrovia to live with my parents and work for a couple of months. I was asked to be the Primary pianist at church, and my first Sunday playing was our family friend Adam's first Sunday coming to Primary. Adam was born with cerebral palsy, leaving him blind and mute amidst his many other physical challenges. The Primary chorister announced that the children had been preparing a special song to sing for Adam to welcome him to church, and that song would be "I'll Walk With You" (lyrics found here). I couldn't help but cry while I was playing the piano to hear the sweet voices of the kids singing these words—

            "Jesus walked away from none

             He gave His love to everyone

             So I will! I will!"

—and then I looked up to see one of the little girls I babysat put her arm around Adam and give him a little hug while he was sitting in his dad's arms. I think of this experience often, and of Adam's sweet, perfect spirit inside his imperfect physical body, and feel so warm and good inside.

On October 8th, my sweet baby nephew Jonah Adam Terrill was born with Trisomy 13. Our family has been anxiously waiting for months for his arrival, not knowing how long he would be with us because of his condition and the number of physical challenges that would be facing him upon his arrival on earth. I thought that I'd be planning a trip home for a funeral, but after talking to my family, I decided last minute that I should try to be there to see him, hold him, kiss his very Terrill nose, tell him I loved him. I was so, so lucky to be able to plan a trip home last weekend, when I got to hold the little guy, spend some quality time with all five of my siblings, and help my brother Harry and his family while they took care of baby Jonah. We celebrated the end of each day with another candle on Jonah's birthDAY cake. We all believed that Jonah was trying his best to hang on so he could meet the siblings that were coming from so far away to meet him, and he miraculously made it. It was a quick trip—I got home Tuesday night—and it all feels like a blur now.

Last night, I got a call from my sister Phoebe—while I was writing this post—saying that Jonah's mortal body finally gave in to the challenges it was faced with, and that he had gone home to live with his Heavenly Father. I have never felt so simultaneously happy and sad—happy knowing that Jonah's spirit and spirit body are perfect and that he no longer has to live on earth in discomfort, but so profoundly sad seeing my brother and sister in-law and their family suffer in this way. 

I do not often wax religious on my blog, but I think it's important here to note that despite our family's sadness, I ultimately take comfort in the gospel of Jesus Christ and in the knowledge that our families will be together forever. I take comfort in thinking of my sweet future children who will know Jonah before I get to meet them. I take comfort in the power of prayers. I take comfort in Jonah's brother Porter's words, who said that despite our sadness, "we can be happy because we will see Jonah again when we die." I take comfort in knowing that Jonah's physical challenges and my brother and sister in-law's grief and suffering has been felt by Christ and redeemed through the Atonement.

And I take comfort in knowing that Jonah and Adam—two sweet boys that I only briefly met—have touched the lives of so many people, near and far. I want to be a better person, cherish my relationships, and be as close to Christ as they were. 

And I will! I will!

 

-Hannah

Beautiful boy

Baby Jonah died yesterday.

(Jonah and his parents in the hospital, just after his birth)

I spent 3 days in California with my brothers and sisters and parents and nieces and nephews. All of us there got to hold him and kiss his little face.

I was intrigued to see how much like any other newborn Jonah was. He had many of the same reflexes. Most of his disabilities were internal, so he really didn't look that different. He didn't like getting his diaper changed. He cried when he was hungry. He couldn't see or hear, but he responded to his parents' soothing touch.

When my sister Phoebe called last night to let us know that Jonah had finally died, it was strange to jump back and forth between that intensely personal and spiritual world of Harry and Dawn's home in California, and the loud and chaotic world of kids shrieking and climbing all over me on my couch in Virginia. I told Theo and Ida that Jonah had died and reminded them that God had answered our prayers--his mom and dad had gotten to hold him. His brothers and sisters had gotten to hold him. Several of his cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents had gotten to hold him. Even I had gotten to hold him! Because my kids are bent on pulling me up out of sadness, Theo reminded me, "Now Jesus and Heavenly Father get to hold him." At some point, a "believer" has to decide whether his beliefs are true. So when Theo said that to me, I had to sit and ask myself out loud. Is it true? And the immediate answer--it is. Jonah had a purpose. He came to earth to receive a body and live his life. And he did.

I love what Katie's mom Pam said: "Jonah is a special blessing to all of us. He makes us appreciate what we have and know that there is something special about each moment spent here with our families." I love my family and am touched by the examples of loving and caring motherhood and fatherhood that Harry and Dawn are to me. I know they are so sad, but they are also so strong and good. Their home has been a special place to be lately. Jonah's first several days at home were pretty good (relatively speaking) though by the end, everyone was ready for him to go, as much as anyone could be in this situation. Every night his family sang "Happy Birthday" to him and blew out candles on a birthday cake (or brownies, or donuts). Every morning before school his brothers and sisters kissed him goodbye and then hello again every afternoon. In family prayer one night his sister Eve asked "that when Jonah dies we can be sad, but not too sad." His mom and dad rarely left his side. Every minute of his life somebody was holding him, dressing him, feeding him or changing him. I can't imagine that any baby has ever been so intensely, so thoroughly loved.

-Eliza

Jonah Adam Terrill

10-08-11 10:14 am ~ 10-19-11 4:30 pm

-Harry

Jonah

We just left the house - Jonah struggles with seizures and has trouble breathing - but he clings to life. The hospice doctor and nurse were there. They are angels - I cannot say enough good about them and their loving concern.

The children are doing pretty well - we are trying to keep their lives as normal as possible, and they show their love and concern in their own ways.

Food and flowers and love come daily.

And the "BirthDAY cake" was powdered donuts tonight - day 10!

Happy BirthDAY Jonah!!

-Barbara

Jonah update

It has been really lovely to have Eliza, Hannah, and Phoebe here to visit. Noah has come around often too, and Bonny came out today also. Noah has been good about helping us eat up all the brownies and cookies!! (And walking the dogs!)

Isla is a trouper - she's skeptical at first about the newcomers, but she can be won over. Here she is having a sweet moment with her dad - who has been pretty preoccupied with caring for Jonah. Dawn and Harry have been spelling each other in caring for the baby, and the rest of us have been trying to be there for the other children. They are doing well - their prayers and comments are sweet. Eve prayed that we wouldn't all be "too sad."

Eliza and Hannah leave tomorrow morning. They have both commented that they feel blessed and honored to have had the opportunity to interact with Jonah, and participate in his care.

His breathing is labored. He is struggling. We are not sure what he still has to teach us. But we are willing to learn.

And tonight we celebrated day 9.

Again, on behalf of all the Terrills, we thank you for your prayers and loving thoughts.

-Barbara